What in the fuck am I doing?
Sometimes failures set you on your butt long enough – or frequently enough – that you eventually ask yourself that one question. That one question full of disbelief – What in fuck’s name am I doing? That’s when you realize, you don’t know.
It’s fairly common – that feeling of not knowing who you are, where you belong, what you should be doing, what is authentic to your Self and what is not. And, of course, you feel as if you are the only one who ever feels this way. Or if others do, they don’t feel it as deeply as you. Or as often. Or whatever … because at these points you are determined to feel alone.
I wonder, though … do non-adopted people feel it as often as adoptees do? It is logical, after all, that coming from nowhere and growing up among relatives that look nothing like you would cause you to feel adrift more often. A person who grows up with their blood family only has to look across the dinner table to get a sense of where they belong. Adoptees see their reflection nowhere.
It is easy to sigh and shrug and figure you are stuck and just go muddle through your daily life; escaping at the points you can, using anything and everything to keep you distracted. It’s easy, but not worth it. It’s easy but it sticks you where you think you’re stuck. And thus, you’re stuck. Stuck in the bastardly feeling of being starkly, barrenly, pitifully ALONE! Oh such crisis!!!
But, not so much. True, you are alone. And it’s true that no one is coming to save you. But it’s not a crisis. It’s a growing phase. Think of a seed. Just after a seed splits its shell with the first nub of a tap-root – it is neither seed nor plant, but it is still living and growing. And so it is with you.
So be alone. Be alone and find out who you are now. That is how you’ll find your way again. Through that experience, you’ll connect again. Just like the tap-root that finally latches on and takes hold, you’ll find the core of your strength and power again. At that time you may not know exactly where you are going, but you’ll inherently know you are going in the right direction. It’s not easy, but it is worth it.