Arrogance???

Arrogance???

“…I have a duty to speak the truth as I see it and to share not just my triumphs, not just the things that felt good, but the pain, the intense, often unmitigating pain. It is important to share how I know survival is survival and not just a walk through the rain.”  -Audre Lorde

I have a message. I have a story. It’s a unique story. It needs to be told. It needs to be told so others with the same unique story will feel simultaneously connected and independent.

Is it arrogant to think that my Life story is so damn important that it should be published? The Early Years of my Life I learned I wasn’t important, that what I had to say didn’t matter.

Then I found my voice. And got busy living Life and raising a kid and having a strong personal relationship.

Now I’m finding that there’s another voice. A bigger voice. One that creates and carries and yearns to be expressed. Not all will hear it, but those who need to, will. They will understand. It will help them carry on through one more hour, one more afternoon, one more day.

Arrogant? Maybe, but if so, I’m certain the Sacred will offer up the appropriate exercises in humility.

If it is to be – so it shall be.

Quit foolin

“You need to quit foolin’ around with those horses. You’re gonna get hurt” she said to me.

I shrugged.

“Goes with the territory.”

And it’s true. If you spend a lot of time around horses, in the pasture, the barn, training them in the arena or round pen there is a chance you might get hurt in some way.
But it doesn’t stop you.
When you think of the hurt that could happen, fear rises in your chest, your muscles stiffen and it consumes you. And the horse knows it. You are the leader, and you’re scared or nervous, so he has a reason to be nervous. And you become more nervous and tense. And the horse does, too, and you can see where this is going.

Therefore, you learn to sidestep the fear, and focus upon the task at hand, the moment. You relax into just being and the horse relaxes into just being. You are on his plane now – where the only things that exist are being and realness. There are no grudges, no future worries, no present fears. Just two beings sharing the same space and learning how to communicate and co-exist in the greatest peace.

Can you imagine the explosion of peace if you did this with your friends? And even strangers?

Wow. Scares me, too. Time to sidestep.

 

It’s not “what” – it’s “that”

How many people actually read this blog? How many will read it and dislike me?

Does it matter?

My ego uses those three questions to keep me off-line on a daily basis. Not today. Maybe tomorrow, but not today.

I LOVE writing, it is one of my true passions. The false beliefs of “no one reads it anyway”  and “they are going to think you are just another stupid hack” and “what you have to say doesn’t really matter anyway” have kept me from here.

But not today. I have created a goal of giving attention to my writing for at least 30 minutes a day for the next 20 days.

Already I’m having to put much mental energy into reminding myself that I started this blog for my own purposes anyway. If nothing more comes of it than the practice of writing and posting on-line, that’s going to have to be good enough. My ego bucks at the idea, but True Self knows that it’s not what I write that counts at this point. It’s THAT I write.

 

Generational Burdens

12.28.12
12.28.12

Hang on to those who have fallen or passed on,

But don’t remain there with them.

Don’t allow then to inhibit your growth – it’s a disservice to your soul.

 

What is left with you is to be used as a source of strength.

Draw from your deepest resources, respect your own pace,

Continue to grow in all directions, in breadth, height and depth.

 

The mark of your ancestors you will forever carry,

They will transform into a thing of beauty to honor,

Instead of a weight to keep you small.

We’re not old enough for this

American society is not old, grown up, mature or independent or faithful enough to handle the technological advances that have and are occurring. In fact, they are making us more immature, inpatient and dependent. At least for me it’s that way.

Here’s how I know. It’s not unusual for me to have a spell of sadness or loneliness or depression as I go through my day. I have chronic major depression – so it’s normal, really. I’ve had it all my Life – except when I was a kid I was told it was called being “ungrateful” or “acting like” something’s wrong.

So, I send a text to a friend. It’s usually not an emotional spewing, just a “hey” to see if they are “there”.

Then, they don’t respond (gasp!). I go on working or sitting in front of the TV, or puttering around a procrastinated project, trying to not pay attention to how long it takes them to answer; but still checking my phone in 1 – 2 minute intervals. In my head this is going on:

“Wtf? Am I not important enough to respond to? I thought you said you cared. I though you said you’d be there. Unless you are ignoring me again – are we not talking and you didn’t tell me? WTF man!?”

And this is WITHIN the first ten minutes.

TEN freaking minutes – I‘ve taken a crap that lasted longer than that.

This is so cliché I could just kick myself, but I long for the good ol’ days . Those days when I would have these feelings – and there was no way to reach out to anyone.

Hear me?

There was no way to reach out to anyone. No method or device to use for immediate sympathy, or access to someone to “process it” with. There was a phone, but it only made phone calls and was in your bedroom – not your pocket.

So what did I do “back then” when the messy ick of being human was in my face? I DEALT WITH IT.

Those crappy abandoned, hopeless, worthless and miserable feelings that came up – I FELT THEM.

Today, we don’t deal or feel anymore; we text, email and blog about feelings and problems. But we never really sit down in the living room with our demons and challenge them in hand-to-hand combat.

No wonder we’re such a mess. No wonder I despise my weakness and inability to “deal with emotions in a healthy way.” I’ve conformed to society’s ways (again) and lost touch with myself (again).  I had more emotional savvy and self-knowledge drunk and journaling than I do now sober and surfing the internet.  This is change, but it is not growth.

It’s time for personal rebellion. It’s time to shut the laptop, leave the TV off, shut off the phone … and just sit. And breathe. And be. And feel. That is how you deal with feelings – you feel them.

Change starts today

I am going to change my Life. How? I’m going to lose weight. I’m going to eat healthier. I’m going to get up 30 minutes earlier and take the dog for a walk every morning. I’m going to drink more water.

I excel at this. I really mean that. I’m great with preparation. I’m great at coming up with ideas. I’m great at dreaming. I’m great at starting. Or preparing to start.

I like to read about it, research it, think about it, talk about it, and take little ego trips about “how cool” everyone with think such-n-such is. Or how I’ll feel once it’s done. Or about where I’ll go on tour after publishing a book about it.

Gimme a break. Ok – it’s true; my head races off that far. But, I’ve realized a distinction.

The people who DO change their lives – never say these things. Sure, they probably say it to themselves at some point. But you don’t’ see them buying books, making lists and plans and agendas and goals. Or making blueprints, outlines and Excel spreadsheets. You don’t find them huddled in little kaffeeklastches talking about all these things.

The people who change their lives don’t say “I’m going to ________”.

They say “I did _____” or “I am doing _______”.

So, with this post, I am tossing out the to do list, and starting my “I did” list.