Arrogance???

Arrogance???

“…I have a duty to speak the truth as I see it and to share not just my triumphs, not just the things that felt good, but the pain, the intense, often unmitigating pain. It is important to share how I know survival is survival and not just a walk through the rain.”  -Audre Lorde

I have a message. I have a story. It’s a unique story. It needs to be told. It needs to be told so others with the same unique story will feel simultaneously connected and independent.

Is it arrogant to think that my Life story is so damn important that it should be published? The Early Years of my Life I learned I wasn’t important, that what I had to say didn’t matter.

Then I found my voice. And got busy living Life and raising a kid and having a strong personal relationship.

Now I’m finding that there’s another voice. A bigger voice. One that creates and carries and yearns to be expressed. Not all will hear it, but those who need to, will. They will understand. It will help them carry on through one more hour, one more afternoon, one more day.

Arrogant? Maybe, but if so, I’m certain the Sacred will offer up the appropriate exercises in humility.

If it is to be – so it shall be.

That one question…

What in the fuck am I doing?

Sometimes failures set you on your butt long enough – or frequently enough – that you eventually ask yourself that one question. That one question full of disbelief – What in fuck’s name am I doing? That’s when you realize, you don’t know.

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It’s fairly common – that feeling of not knowing who you are, where you belong, what you should be doing, what is authentic to your Self and what is not. And, of course, you feel as if you are the only one who ever feels this way. Or if others do, they don’t feel it as deeply as you. Or as often.  Or whatever … because at these points you are determined to feel alone.

I wonder, though … do non-adopted people feel it as often as adoptees do? It is logical, after all, that coming from nowhere and growing up among relatives that look nothing like you would cause you to feel adrift more often. A person who grows up with their blood family only has to look across the dinner table to get a sense of where they belong. Adoptees see their reflection nowhere.

It is easy to sigh and shrug and figure you are stuck and just go muddle through your daily life; escaping at the points you can, using anything and everything to keep you distracted. It’s easy, but not worth it. It’s easy but it sticks you where you think you’re stuck. And thus, you’re stuck. Stuck in the bastardly feeling of being starkly, barrenly, pitifully ALONE! Oh such crisis!!!

But, not so much. True, you are alone. And it’s true that no one is coming to save you. But it’s not a crisis. It’s a growing phase.  Think of a seed. Just after a seed splits its shell with the first nub of a tap-root – it is neither seed nor plant, but it is still living and growing. And so it is with you.

So be alone. Be alone and find out who you are now. That is how you’ll find your way again. Through that experience, you’ll connect again. Just like the tap-root that finally latches on and takes hold, you’ll find the core of your strength and power again. At that time you may not know exactly where you are going, but you’ll inherently know you are going in the right direction. It’s not easy, but it is worth it.

’bout time?

“Until the action, a decision remains a thought.”

I posted that almost TWO years ago …. what a hypocrite am I?

Well, enough. I’m not making any grand public resolutions or goals, but I think it’s time, that in this one little area of my life, I stop thinking and start acting.

Action is the only thing that ever makes a difference.

And, my dear Self, do not expect a polished beautiful blog. You are beginning – so it’s going to be choppy, and rough, and grandiose, and fruity and stupid, and discouraging and ego boosting and ego crushing.  And most of all, it will be worth it.

These little blog posts – whatever they turn out to be – where I push myself, flog myself, act with and against the Universe as I continue down my path…. at some point, each and every  one will be worth it.

– Go get ’em –

tick tock

Quit foolin

“You need to quit foolin’ around with those horses. You’re gonna get hurt” she said to me.

I shrugged.

“Goes with the territory.”

And it’s true. If you spend a lot of time around horses, in the pasture, the barn, training them in the arena or round pen there is a chance you might get hurt in some way.
But it doesn’t stop you.
When you think of the hurt that could happen, fear rises in your chest, your muscles stiffen and it consumes you. And the horse knows it. You are the leader, and you’re scared or nervous, so he has a reason to be nervous. And you become more nervous and tense. And the horse does, too, and you can see where this is going.

Therefore, you learn to sidestep the fear, and focus upon the task at hand, the moment. You relax into just being and the horse relaxes into just being. You are on his plane now – where the only things that exist are being and realness. There are no grudges, no future worries, no present fears. Just two beings sharing the same space and learning how to communicate and co-exist in the greatest peace.

Can you imagine the explosion of peace if you did this with your friends? And even strangers?

Wow. Scares me, too. Time to sidestep.